Jokes

[Punky]

Christmas gathering

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son says, shocked.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas AND paying their own way."

[Punky]

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me, at this time of the year we could all use some peace.

Following the simple advice I read in an article I have finally found inner peace. The article read: The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.
So I took a look around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine; a bottle of white wine; the Bailey's, Kahlua,Wild Turkey, the Prozac and some valium, some cheese cake, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how peaceful I feel.........You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of INNER PEACE.
Have a great Day ..

[Punky]

It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed.

I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back.

Then the bus driver took over.

"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"

[Punky]

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana
recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well
known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my
pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and
let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump
rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then
said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

[Chadwick]

The first man married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he told his wife
to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said it took her a couple of
days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were
washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Kentucky. He bragged that he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. He
told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but by the next
day it was better and on the third day his house was clean, the dishes were
done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Minnesota.He boasted that he told her his
house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, cooking done and the laundry folded.
Since this was all her responsibility, he said the first day he didn't see
anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day
some of the swelling had gone downso he could see a little out of his left
eye.

[MNLakeDiver]

A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God!, I’ve been marooned!"

[MNLakeDiver]

Rescue Diver - Question 1. You are in a dive boat and one of the divers, an attorney, falls in the sea. What do you throw him for him to hold onto?



An anchor!

[Mark Y]

The State of Wisconsin has changed its motto of 'Forward', to 'Smell Our Dairy Air'.

Probably an 'old one', but I first heard it this weekend. ;D

[Mark Y]

Oh yeah . . .

Wisconsin State Bird: Robin (Turdus migratorius).

Get it?

At least I find it humorous! ;D

[Punky]

THOUGHT YOU COULD USE SOME USELESS HUMOR THIS MORNING... > > HANG IN THERE, ENJOY :-) HAVE A GREAT DAY!! > > > > > > (For all of you cat lovers, and non-cat lovers, this is hilarious!) > > >
> Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. > > >
> On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. > > >
> The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. > Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Debb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey, the garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." > > > >
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. " Reset it yourself!" > > > >
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" > > > > There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." > > >
> So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. > > >
> It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. > No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. > It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. > And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. > > > > I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. > > >
> Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
> When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. > Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... and not succeeding. > Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was. > > >
> "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" > > > > If they only knew! > > > > > > > > >-----