Airline Ground Crews

[mermaid]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one.  Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our
jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after bri ef search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Indigo Blues]

Thanks for the smile ;D

[flyboy65]

As an ex crew chief on B-52's and B-1B bombers, I absolutely love these "squawks".  I laughed so hard I had tears!  Thanks for the laugh, mermaid! 

[mermaid]

Anytime guys! ;D

[freedivernd]

from my brother, who flies the fastest (edit:fastest non-military) jet in the world:

Actually to fly airplanes, according to the federal aviation regulations, you only need to be able to read, speak, and understand the English language to get a pilot certificate. I forget which one, but I think you must also be able to write in English to get an airline transport certificate or an instructor certificate.

Fred

[mattd]

I don't know of any airline that will hire you without a college degree.

[freedivernd]

or military background